First of all, I am a control freak. Before I became a mom and even before that, I had a perfect layout of my days/weeks/months, my “five year plans” and so forth. I would be perfect in planning everything from budget to my meals every day. 8 hour sleep, spotless skincare routine. And I thought I was being my best self possible.
All that of course changed when I moved in with my husband and my schedule had to change to take into needs and wishes of another person. This was a first step out of my comfort zone. But boy I could not even start to imagine what’s to come next.
On a cold October morning in 2019 our baby boy joined us this side of earth. Obviously ever since nothing could have stayed the same. Also as you know, in a couple of months after, the pandemic outbreak hit and the world as we know it changed. All horrible things aside, I am grateful I got to spend a first year of my son’s life very close to him. Here are some things he taught me over these 17 months of my life:
Assessment of your priorities. When you become a parent you sign an invisible contract that grants eternal happiness in exchange of greatest fears. No matter what’s going on, just one look of my son makes me happy, but at the same time I have never been this scared for anything or anyone. That said, I completely left behind what used to stress me before. Not only “with great power comes great responsibility“, but with great stress comes great confidence and force I never thought I have. Also, it made me realize how much the person you raise your child with counts. And I personally realized, that one of the most important things I can do to my son is respecting his father. He made me appreciate my husband in a whole new light.
Internal conflict. We hear this all the time, especially as first-time parents. You don’t have enough sleep, you don’t have enough time not only to yourself but to the regular chores and tasks you have. I used to stress over this, because an internal control freak inside wanted me to be this perfect, dinner-making cookie-baking wife/mother/lawyer with a spotless hair/nails and smile. But it seemed like I didn’t have time to do any of those, or do it but not good enoug, so I started to feel like I’m failing at everything, that stress led me to stress about me just spending time with my son. Luckily, an internal researcher in me found the right sources and channeled me to screen what I felt. I also have to stop and thank here Gabor Mate, he in a few words made me understand that the connection I create now with my son will set him for a smoother life in the future. Several hours of self-talk and I can now tell you that nothing can disturb me from the time we spend together. Time that so unfairly runs fast.
Transformation. My son, without knowing it, dissembled my whole being to its own foundation and made me built my self back again to become a better person. I feel like I know for sure where my time, love and energy should go, and this force helps me make decisions that feel right for me and my family.
I am still at the beginning of this journey, but I am so happy “I got a ticket to it”.
To my son and husband,
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