What I am about to say will shock you. Love does not exist. At least as we are taught to think about it. Recently I was talking to a friend. And at some point he told me (commenting on a picture of old couple arguing about something trivial): "why would you stay with someone when you lost love for them?" . Ah. That's the question. Why do we stay? Is it really for love? Is it love? Finally, what is love? Popular culture and world's greatest literature presents love as a sacred graal that every person must make their life purpose to find. While this seems noble and beautiful, I think if we really believe in this, big chances are we will be disappointed. We are also often told that there is this one person we must find, "the one". Again, not necessarily true in real life.
For the longest time for myself, I thought I knew what it is, because for 20 something years I've been in the relationships. I thought I got it figured out. Actually, and only when I got married I started to realise what love actually is (obviously this is my understanding I am sharing and not a universal truth). Love is so many things and one thing at the same time. I am not sure I am ready to define love in one paragraph today, but I can put some words on to it. Love is when "you're different, but I feel good". It's not about not going to bad angry, but touching toes even if you're mad to mean "I'm still here and I love you". It's "easy" in a way, it's quiet. It doesn't mean there are no chalenges, failures, and expectations. But there is no drama. It is honest.
Love is a function, it is something we do, not something we find . Erich Fromm once said:
Love isn't something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn't a feeling, it is a practice.
So here is your first principle, love is a practice. Loving someone means sharing common interest and values and continuously give it to the person of our choice and receive it back. It is an exchange with someone we chose to be with. Now, why we chose (and not find) that one person. It is because at that point of our life the given person's landscape of thoughts, goals corresponds to ours. The rest is fantasy.
I must try to see the difference between my picture of a person and his behavior, as it is narcissistically distorted, and the person's reality as it exists regardless of my interests, needs and fears. - Erich Fromm
There is nothing wrong with the fantasy, with having this picture in your head. Fantasies are important to maintain a healthy flow of happy hormones in our blood.
I think by this point you want to tell me that I completely took out all beauty and value out of love. Actually I haven't, what I am trying to say here is that it is up to every individual to put beauty and value in their love story. It is different for everyone. I think love is not romantic at its base, but we make it romantic, and to each exists its own way. That's why we're all happy differently. If we approach love as some secret treasure we need to find, we set ourselves to suffer. If however, we practice love, carrying and sharing what we have with someone, working on ourselves and grow together, and witness the other person's growth, that's beautiful. That's what makes it romantic and holy and sacred. You don't find sacred you make it. And the process of making is not always picture perfect, but it is definitely worth it.
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